Bartending is an art form. I totally believe that. And I don’t mean the show-offy bottle tossing, super-fancy pouring so often played up in television and movies. What I am talking about is precision. Intuition. A steady, practiced hand. The ability to build a drink that is nuanced and delicate or powerful and complex. Bartending is something done best by those who wholely love it.
I, however, do not.
Because bartending is so much more than mixing cocktails. It requires a fondness for people I can’t quite muster. It requires one move fast and think fast and talk fast. You are not only the beer-pourer you are the buddy, the sports expert, the hot little number. And you have to pretend to enjoy it all.
I am not a great bartender. I am just pretty okay. However, in my two years or so experience I have learned how to fake it well. I’ve learned how to make a more than decent drink and have been getting increasingly more compliments on my drinks. I’ve been hearing more and more of “This is the best fill-in-the-blank I have ever had” lately.
Which leads me to believe perhaps I should share the love. I thought maybe I’d compile a few tips on making better-tasting adult beverages in your home. If you ever mix the occasional cocktail, you might be interested in a suggestion or two from the following, a way, perhaps, to enhance your gettin’ crunk on the couch experience.
Brittney the Adequate Bartender’s Tips on Making a Mean Drink:
Long Island Iced Tea - Equal parts vodka, rum, gin and triple sec. Skip the tequila, unless you want to later start a fist fight with your dog. Use the same amount of sweet and sour as coke. A splash of coke is not enough. Dump the drink into a glass and then back into the one you want to drink from. This will blend all the ingredients and create a nice, foamy head. Limit: 2. Unless you’ve padded all the sharp corners in your home.
Martinis - Martinis are tough. So many instructions, so little difference really in the end results. Stirred, not shaken? Bullshit. Your Bombay gin won’t “bruise” any more being shaken in a tin than it would being shaken by the truck that delivered it, the barback that stocked it or the bartender that slams that bottle into the well every time they finish using it. There are two things to remember when making a martini, the rest is up to you. 1) Just a hint of vermouth. A hint of a hint. Just three drops into your tin shaker, right on top of the ice, swirl the tin 5 times, cover the tin with a strainer and drain any liquid. Add vodka or gin. 2) Shake the shit out of it. Shake for a full 12 seconds, then shake it for another 12 more. This will ensure a thin layer of ice shards atop your martini once you strain it into the glass. It’s pretty and the ice looks cute in your moustache like that.
Cosmopolitans - Invest in a small bottle of Monin Mango Syrup. Add a few drops to your vodka, Cointreau (accept no subsitute) and cranberry juice mixture, and shake it like a polaroid picture.
Manhattans - Pour based on color. Two parts bourbon (or brandy, if you freak like that) and one part sweet vermouth is never exactly right. A little extra sweet vermouth makes all the difference. I like to make my manhattans as close to the color of the cherry the garnishes it as possible. This one looks about right.
Frozen Mudslides - Grab a bottle of Hershey’s syrup and drizzle chocolate syrup in ribbons inside the glass. Swirl chocolate syrup on top, as well. Pretty and extra-yummy. You’re making a mudslide, you aren’t concerned about calories anyhow.
Bloody Mary - Absolut Pepar over ice. Add tomato juice, 6 shakes of worcestershire, 2 shakes of Tabasco, 3 shakes of the pepper shaker and squeeze of lime. All this in a salted glass and it’s gonna be a way good morning.
How to perfectly layer a drink - Making a B-52 or similar shooter that requires you to stack liquors? Visible layers in liquors is tricky, but works almost every time if you put the shot in a martini glass. The slope of the glass aids in seperation and makes you look like you’ve got mad skillz.
Margarita too tart? - Triple sec is sweet but it won’t cut the sour taste of a margarita like an extra dash of tequila will. Add a smidge of powdered sugar to the drink and the beverage is now totally downable.
Want to get your date shit-faced, but she hates the taste of alcohol because she is all of 19, you smarmy perv? - Wedding Cake shooters are your answer. And lots of them, since they have just one liquor in the recipe. Buy: Vanilla vodka, sweet and sour, pineapple juice, sugar. 1 1/2 oz. of vanilla vodka, 1/2 oz. each of sweet and sour and pineapple juice and one packet or tablespoon of sugar over ice, chilled and strained x 5 = at least third base. And it really tastes like a piece of wedding cake.
Feel free to make suggestions of your own below. No doubt you, dear reader, are well-versed in getting good and shitty.
16 comments ↓
Fun post. All I’ll add is that if you’re going to either serve or drink Jagermeister, it had better be cold. And I don’t mean 20 minutes in the vegetable crisper cold (since you’ve got nothing else in there, you filthy slob), I mean at least 45 minutes in the freezer. You’d better be able to write your last will and testament in the frost on the bottle (which isn’t a bad idea if you’re going to drink a lot of it). Nothing pisses me off more than paying $4-6 for a shot of Jager and having it go down my throat like honey-laced urine.
BRITTNEY, COME TO MY HOUSE AND MAKE ME ONE UH THEM BLOODY MARYS, FOR JEEBUS SAKES! Your recipe sounds really awesome, except that you forgot the okra and green beans.
word. all i need to add is a shout-out to the Chico Drinking Team, in the hizzouse.
I love fill-in-the-blanks.
nice sweater.
Don’t forget that a Manhattan absolutely must (no deviations allowed here) have a dash of bitters. Angostura is just fine. They turn a pleasant tipple into a perfectly balanced cocktail.
Along the same lines, seltzer in an Old-Fashioned is punishable by death. (Excess tap water in an Old-Fashioned is, I dunno, punishable by twenty years at hard labor.)
Jeez, I sound like Miguel.
the perfect cocktail=booze & some other subtance. At this moment I am drinking bourbon laced hot chocalate. mmmm,mmmm good.
there was this drink a few of us developed at vanderbilt that had sprite, triple sec, vodka, citron vodka, clear rum, lime juice from one of those plastic squeeze limes, and uhh, something else. it tasted pretty much like mountain dew. man i wish i could remember how to make that drink. but overall, i sooo don’t know much about making drinks. just drinking them.
at a booze-filled Canadian Thanksgiving last week, I learned a very easy, very tasty drink called a Cherry Driver. make a screwdriver, then add cherry brandy. tastes just like orange punch, and goes down nice and easy.
Speaking of proper mixing by a bartender, today for no reason at all the first two tracks on my cd appeared and freaked the shit out of me because I had the volume on very loud and suddenly there was a midget in my backseat. When I ejected the cd and tried again the two tracks had vanished. I am very impressed that you made me a haunted cd.
Hell of a call on the Long Islands. In fact, that’s exactly how I make them (adequate bartenders think alike and all). For something different, try substituting cranberry juice and Sprite for sour mix and Coke.
I had an orange martini once that was BRIGHT ORANGE. It was delicious. I have no idea what made it that color, and I’ve never had one that tasted as good since. What could make it that color, I wonder? (Orange soda?)
The sprite/cranberry trick in your Long Island is called a Long Beach Iced Tea, I think. If not, the real LBIT is close.
PS: Martha Stewart advocates refreshing stale drinks with a shot of simple syrup (equal parts water and sugar; boil the sugar until it’s combined fully with the h2o). And she’s somewhat of a drunk, so I take her word as gospel.
I am currently in Canada and no one here seems to know what sweet and sour mix is. Is it close to triple sec or what would the substitute be? please help. Thanks. (for Green Apple Martinis)
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Brittney, Hey, you’ve got a cool site. I just started bartending at a popular bar and grill. I’m new to the professional bartender scene but love it. I was browsing the Internet for tips on how to keep my job and I ran into your site. Thanks! Andy
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