Sometimes at work children too big to sit in those nasty highchairs [Parents: If you think those highchairs are even remotely clean you are sort of not at all smart. Bring some sort of cleansing wipe and use it before you let your infant lick on it.] relegated to the end of the table instead get to sit next to the grown-ups in the booth. The booths where I work are wooden, with removable padding for posteriors. Those are easiest to clean and more easily replaceable.

Anyway kids, usually toddlers in booster seats, will sit next to their Moms and Pops and pull all the sweetener out of the caddies and try to hand me saliva-soaked bits of bread and chew the tabletop while banging furiously their tiny fists in anticipation of Honey Mustard-soaked, frozen then fried Chicken Tenders.

Sometimes, in the throes of a tearful fit, a kid will throw back his head with all the might and velocity of a…well, a really hungry fucking toddler. And, assuming the booth behind him is also padded, cracks his skull against the wooden panelling with a thunderous clap.

I secretly love it when that happens.