Sometimes at work children too big to sit in those nasty highchairs [Parents: If you think those highchairs are even remotely clean you are sort of not at all smart. Bring some sort of cleansing wipe and use it before you let your infant lick on it.] relegated to the end of the table instead get to sit next to the grown-ups in the booth. The booths where I work are wooden, with removable padding for posteriors. Those are easiest to clean and more easily replaceable.
Anyway kids, usually toddlers in booster seats, will sit next to their Moms and Pops and pull all the sweetener out of the caddies and try to hand me saliva-soaked bits of bread and chew the tabletop while banging furiously their tiny fists in anticipation of Honey Mustard-soaked, frozen then fried Chicken Tenders.
Sometimes, in the throes of a tearful fit, a kid will throw back his head with all the might and velocity of a…well, a really hungry fucking toddler. And, assuming the booth behind him is also padded, cracks his skull against the wooden panelling with a thunderous clap.
I secretly love it when that happens.
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You monster. You beautiful monster. Beautifully monstrous, you…
Somebody’s biological clock is ticking.
Tick Tock Tick Tock….
Someday, it’s highly likely you and the VCB will have one of those squirming toddlers yer own durned selves. You get kind of numb to it eventually, especially at home, but most parents do make an attempt to corral their kids’ more frantic flailings in public.
I always hated it when parents allowed their kids to act like little monsters in public. Now that I have my own toddler, I have found I have even less tolerance for those oblivious parents. My daughter usually behaves quite well in public, but she knows the moment she crosses that threshold between normal toddler energy and being a public annoyance, I *will* get up and take her someplace to chill out. Why don’t all parents do the same? I wish I knew. Oblivious Parent Syndrome (OPS) seems to be an equal opportunity disorder that afflicts all races, classes, and religions.
that sounds evil and cruel in a funny sort of way.
I googled “I hate babies” after what must have be the one hundreth mass email sent out at work from a new mommy five months in. I am disgusted by the fact that because I too have a vagina, that I must be put on the ‘Women Must Socialize ‘ list and be subjected to every snot filled picture of her lame ass kid. I’d like to start a website that just collects forwards from all these pathetic folk. “oh look he’s got pooh on his face, how cute!”
Every time i get one of this emails, i just want to yell I don’t give a fuck. then i forward it to my husband so he can vomit as well.
oh yeah, and a new haircut for this parent was dubbed the Mummy cut. retch. why don’t these people have a life. I once got a series of pictures forwarded from a pal, that had what looked to be a 3 year old phillapino kid lighting up a smoke on his break. it’s about time that these kids got a taste of what the working world is like, if you asked me.
Babies suck! No gettin’ around it, they’re cryin’ shit machines…
This is the best thing I’ve read in a really long time. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I happen to think about how much I hate babies…which in turn brings me here. Pure Genious
We were all babies once sorry
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