If I was that kind of girl I would tell you that tomorrow is my birthday. The birthday that will make me closer to 30 than 20. Halfway to 52. The kind of birthday where I spend all day watching videos, then drink beer and sip tequila at night and dance to 50 Cent and/or Lil Kim in my apartment wearing nothing but a birthday tiara, fuck-me boots and red marker denoting me QUEEN B.

But I’m so not that kind of girl.