Dear the 50-60 of you a day who come here in search of the real Paris Hilton sex video,

Cease your search. It’s so not worth it. I saw the 6 meg, night-vision video that features a glowy-eyed, stick figure Paris giving some guy whose hair highlights glowed neon green the worst sex ever featured on film and it is awful. For real. This girl couldn’t fuck if dicks were fire and she was the world’s only water source. Which is total nonsense, I know, but wholely symbolizes the pointlessness of your search.

Abandon ship. Look no longer. There is no coke-ridden hotel heiress writhing in ecstasy or even drooling in drunkeness–just some slightly buzzed blonde with a boy’s body stopping mid-way through the most pitiful fuck seen on screen to answer her fucking cell phone.

Pet your cat. Take a walk. Trim your cuticles. Anything.
Anything, I promise, is more sexually titilating than that total yawner.

Spoiled milk, you ask? Sexier than Paris.