Burton Bashing

January 25th, 2004 | Film

Well, that was quick. It’s been a dang week already. Some time around Wednesday I got the urge to blog about something silly but refrained since I didn’t want to seem all clingy. Now the week is up and, truth be told, I have nothing to show for it.

I went to work every day. I began reading Still Life with Woodpecker. I came to grips with the extent of my utter poverty and found new and interesting ways to not spend money. Like watching the laundry pile grow into this enormous, hairy, stinky beast with bras for arms and orange sweater hair. Dreaming is totally free so I’ve been doing a shitload of that. I’ve been interviewing rappers. Putting off any and all writing. I’ve even taken a small vacation from showering. Soon enough I’m going to have one enormous dreadlock with 8″-long dark roots.

I did splurge last night to see Big Fish since I’d heard some good things about it. The Kids (what the VCB and I call our roommates) invited us to see it at the very last minute and it seemed like a fine idea for a Saturday night. I’d been waiting for something substantial from Burton ever since Mars Attacks!, which I love with my whole heart, and I knew very little about his newest piece. Could this be Burton’s long-needed redemption?

In a word, nuh-uh. Let’s put it this way: Lucky Charms is a good-ass cereal, no? You’ve got wheat puffs in primary shapes and bright, totally non-food colored marshmallows that aren’t quite marshmallows since they aren’t chewy so much as styrofoamy. Mmmmm. In a big bowl of milk this all tastes like everything that is good and light. Clearly the best part of this cereal is the sweet, artificial moons and hearts and shit, but consider for a moment this cereal without the boring wheat puff thingies. You wouldn’t want to eat that. A soggy spoonful of nothing but tiny, super-fake marshmallows would be kind of foul without the “wholesome” grain taste to balance it all out.

Big Fish is devoid of any good-for-you wheat puff stuff. It is nothing but a mouthful of sugary, gooey, synthetic sweetness that leaves you bitter and pissed there was nothing more substantial or real included in order to make you appreciate all that candy.

Frankly, it is hard to believe so much imagination can seem so unimaginative. Something that is meant to be fanciful and magical is instead just pretty and average and typical .

Rent Mars Attacks! instead. Because, “even in a time of intergalactic crisis, people still want to roll them bones.”

[I am still very sorry to Internet Explorer users. I know the links are unreadable and I don’t know why. Fucking maddening. It looks great in every other browser, so I suggest you get a better one. Not because you can’t read my site, but because IE sucks major dick. Mozilla has a tab feature I adore. It also blocks pop-ups. It looks real pretty. Get it. I hear Firebird rocks, too.]

12 comments ↓

#1 sabre-toothed librarian on 01.25.04 at 2:35 pm

I vastly prefer Marshmallow Safari, the cheaper, bagged, Quaker version of lucky charms. Also, I like to save a few mashmallow bits so that the last bite is pure sugar.

But I agree. The movie kinda blew.

#2 jody on 01.25.04 at 8:36 pm

I haven’t seen Big Fish yet, but I did rent Willard this weekend since it came highly recommended from the Britster. It was good ass, however I also rented Requiem for a Dream, and just finished watching it, and well, wow. I feel weird. That was way punk rock.

Anyway, good to see you back, you were missed!

#3 Edgeling on 01.26.04 at 5:54 am

You didn’t like Big Fish? Crap, you’re the first dissenting opinion I’ve heard….. Mark, Mark’s Mom, my two best friends, and that 13-year old in Texas just RAVED about it….

Must see… and Kill Bill, and Requiem, and Casablanca….. fuck, I’ve missed a lotta movies…

#4 jonmc on 01.26.04 at 10:09 am

Big Fish is devoid of any good-for-you wheat puff stuff. It is nothing but a mouthful of sugary, gooey, synthetic sweetness that leaves you bitter and pissed there was nothing more substantial or real included in order to make you appreciate all that candy.

But it’s got the banjo boy! But, I haven’t seen this movie, or any other movie in the theater or on video since Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back on video, and High Fidelity in the theater and I have no plans to*, so I should proabably shut up.

*part of my plan to boycott modern culture until it improves to my satisfaction. I don’t hold out much hope.

#5 instantenemy on 01.26.04 at 11:14 am

You can’t see the links in Safari for Mac either. Sorry.

#6 Shrimp on 01.26.04 at 12:51 pm

Brittney,

In your HTML, you have a “banner” div which never closes. I think that’s why the links are a very light color. Put a “” tag after your “banner” section. I think it belongs right before the “.

Still, I do agree that everyone should upgrade from IE to Mozilla or Firebird.

#7 Shrimp on 01.26.04 at 12:53 pm