Upon listening to an acquaintance’s dating trials and pre-relationship tribulations (”A goal or a bathroom, I figure he should at least have one or the other.”) I remembered that much of the wisdom I’ve gleaned in the Boy Dept. isn’t incredibly applicable to most women. You see, I’ve had the distinct pleasure of dating not one, but two homosexual men.

I take that back. They were swishy, International Male-wearin’, lisp-havin’ queers who found yours truly to be the perfect hairy beard. How I didn’t know is really only a shock until one learns, like you have now learned, that all of my relationships until I was twenty were solely about me. I hadn’t the wherewithal to notice that my boyfriends were totally content to watch cheerleading competitions with me on ESPN.

So I’ve compiled a list of WAYS TO KNOW YOUR BOYFRIEND WOULD RATHER BE FUCKING A DUDE:

-He wants you to wear his class ring right away and everywhere. It took a handjob to get that from your quarterback boyfriend.

-He is reading Out magazine because he “mistook it for a clothing catalogue.”

-He borrows all your cap-sleeved, stretchy shirts.

-You met at the casting for Anything Goes!

-He has paperbacks about Paula Abdul, whom he just loves!

-You’ve kissed five times in five months.

-All anal, all the time.*

-Your mom wants you to marry him. (She always will.)

-He only likes to go dancing at The Chute. The music everywhere else is a bore.

-He likes to go dancing.

-He taught you a fresh, new tap dancing move.

-When you place his hand on your breast he insists he’s shy and this is all just a little to fast. (It’s all just a little too NOT A PENIS.)

-He sends you the most elaborate bouquet of daisies and purple sweetheart roses. For no reason.

-He buys you lipstick. He thinks that shade would look nice on you.

-He says he fell in love with you when he heard your favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz. Then he does the whole Tin Man song and dance scene. Flawlessly.

*The VCB’s contribution.