Don’t be that Girl!

January 27th, 2004 | Once Upon a Time...

Upon listening to an acquaintance’s dating trials and pre-relationship tribulations (”A goal or a bathroom, I figure he should at least have one or the other.”) I remembered that much of the wisdom I’ve gleaned in the Boy Dept. isn’t incredibly applicable to most women. You see, I’ve had the distinct pleasure of dating not one, but two homosexual men.

I take that back. They were swishy, International Male-wearin’, lisp-havin’ queers who found yours truly to be the perfect hairy beard. How I didn’t know is really only a shock until one learns, like you have now learned, that all of my relationships until I was twenty were solely about me. I hadn’t the wherewithal to notice that my boyfriends were totally content to watch cheerleading competitions with me on ESPN.

So I’ve compiled a list of WAYS TO KNOW YOUR BOYFRIEND WOULD RATHER BE FUCKING A DUDE:

-He wants you to wear his class ring right away and everywhere. It took a handjob to get that from your quarterback boyfriend.

-He is reading Out magazine because he “mistook it for a clothing catalogue.”

-He borrows all your cap-sleeved, stretchy shirts.

-You met at the casting for Anything Goes!

-He has paperbacks about Paula Abdul, whom he just loves!

-You’ve kissed five times in five months.

-All anal, all the time.*

-Your mom wants you to marry him. (She always will.)

-He only likes to go dancing at The Chute. The music everywhere else is a bore.

-He likes to go dancing.

-He taught you a fresh, new tap dancing move.

-When you place his hand on your breast he insists he’s shy and this is all just a little to fast. (It’s all just a little too NOT A PENIS.)

-He sends you the most elaborate bouquet of daisies and purple sweetheart roses. For no reason.

-He buys you lipstick. He thinks that shade would look nice on you.

-He says he fell in love with you when he heard your favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz. Then he does the whole Tin Man song and dance scene. Flawlessly.

*The VCB’s contribution.

15 comments ↓

#1 lex icon on 01.28.04 at 3:32 am

-When you place his hand on your breast he insists he’s shy and this is all just a little to fast.-
Um, not necessarily an indicator. If he “gives in” and lets you seduce him right after, it might have just been a play to make you think he is shy or he’s respecting you so he’ll get lots more in the coming weeks. If you don’t make the next move to seduce him, and he doesn’t make a move either, he still might be straight, but if he is, he’s thinking, “Shit! I blew that one. She’s gonna think I’m queer!”

#2 Shrimp on 01.28.04 at 1:01 pm

I loves me some breasteses, but I also like to watch cheerleading competitions on ESPN. So I don’t think that’s a gay thing. Watching cheerleaders WITH a girl is HOT. You know there’s a trip to a costume shop and some healthy roleplaying going down after that.

#3 jonmc on 01.28.04 at 1:09 pm

I’ve slept with one lesbian, and had crushes on a few other girls who were later revealed to be of the Sapphic persuasion.

We should form a support group or something.

#4 jonmc on 01.28.04 at 1:12 pm

NTM, gay men find me extremely attractive (despite having such painfully obvious het traits as poor hygeine, bad clothes, sports & heavy metal fandom and missing teeth) but straight women do not, generally speaking.

I must be jamming some kinda sex radar.

#5 mikro on 01.28.04 at 1:33 pm

Jon - I, too, have fallen repeatedly for lesbians. Even my “first time” was with a girl that immediately started dating a girl after me.

#6 dan on 01.29.04 at 2:28 am

This is a little old, but if you haven’t seen this in sit and spin yet, please read it. Actually skip the article, it’s basically just word-spewing nonsense, but the pics below are brilliant.

http://www.sitandspinmagazine.com/1203/straightman.php

#7 Chico on 01.29.04 at 2:53 pm

Sheeit, if it weren’t for lesbians I’d still be a virgin.

And Jon, not only do you seem to be doing okay in the straight women department, but you are cute, in that, uh, homosexually unattainable kind of way.

#8 Caboozy on 01.29.04 at 4:26 pm