Yesterday at work, just before we unlocked the doors, my manager and the other waitresses were assigning animals to people we work with. No criteria was established, there was just discussion of what animal most personifies each individual. I was mostly eavesdropping as I was still Brasso-ing the brass and refilling my coffee mug.

I was shocked at how accurate they all were. They would rattle off a name and while I was thinking of one, would fire off the most accurate animal in all the kingdom to represent that person. And they were being butally honest. When A. #2’s* name was mentioned someone exclaimed, “Mouse!” And that was so fucking it. A. #2 is definitely a mouse.

M. asked what animal they all thought best fit her, and after just a few moments someone declared her a koala bear. And yep, M. is totally a koala bear. A. #1 was denoted a hyena and no matter how loudly she protested, we shook our heads firmly. This chick is a hyena.**

K. got to be an ostrich. (I don’t much like K., so I wanted to add, “Only if ostrichs are bitter old queens with monumental attitude problems.” I’m new; I didn’t.) And B. was crowned a lizard. Feeling left out I said, “I’m feeling left out,” and they looked me up and down and said “pony.” Then B. said, “A miniature pony.” Then S. said “My Little Pony,” at which time everyone shook their head in agreement.

A fucking My Little Pony. What the fucking hell? I don’t even get to be a real animal, but a fake, plastic, sparkly animal from the motherfucking 80s. Though it’s totally, way different when someone assigns it for you, what animal do you most think you’re like? And if you say stallion or jack rabbit or bald eagle or some shit you are fired.

*Don’t worry about keeping up with these initials. You won’t be tested.

**I was driving in that very morning and saw her through the front window wiping a table with a ferocious face and what I believe were bared teeth.