Yesterday at work, just before we unlocked the doors, my manager and the other waitresses were assigning animals to people we work with. No criteria was established, there was just discussion of what animal most personifies each individual. I was mostly eavesdropping as I was still Brasso-ing the brass and refilling my coffee mug.
I was shocked at how accurate they all were. They would rattle off a name and while I was thinking of one, would fire off the most accurate animal in all the kingdom to represent that person. And they were being butally honest. When A. #2’s* name was mentioned someone exclaimed, “Mouse!” And that was so fucking it. A. #2 is definitely a mouse.
M. asked what animal they all thought best fit her, and after just a few moments someone declared her a koala bear. And yep, M. is totally a koala bear. A. #1 was denoted a hyena and no matter how loudly she protested, we shook our heads firmly. This chick is a hyena.**
K. got to be an ostrich. (I don’t much like K., so I wanted to add, “Only if ostrichs are bitter old queens with monumental attitude problems.” I’m new; I didn’t.) And B. was crowned a lizard. Feeling left out I said, “I’m feeling left out,” and they looked me up and down and said “pony.” Then B. said, “A miniature pony.” Then S. said “My Little Pony,” at which time everyone shook their head in agreement.
A fucking My Little Pony. What the fucking hell? I don’t even get to be a real animal, but a fake, plastic, sparkly animal from the motherfucking 80s. Though it’s totally, way different when someone assigns it for you, what animal do you most think you’re like? And if you say stallion or jack rabbit or bald eagle or some shit you are fired.
*Don’t worry about keeping up with these initials. You won’t be tested.
**I was driving in that very morning and saw her through the front window wiping a table with a ferocious face and what I believe were bared teeth.
22 comments ↓
I wouldn’t have thought of it myself, but now that you mention it, I can’t think of anything better than My Little Pony for you. Not that I know you at all or anything.
What kind of animal has a very small penis? ‘Cause that’s mine.
I can sort of get the My Little Pony thing for you because you are kind of youngish looking based on the photos, Britt, but you sure do spit some venom when you see fit to. lol (but that’s what makes this blog fun to read)
Can’t think of any mildly poisonous, yet endearing animals, though. Maybe a bumble bee? I dunno.
As for me, I hate to admit it, but I’m kind of a hyena, but for different reasons than your cohort: when I belly laugh, it’s like a hyena. Very annoying, I’ll admit first.
Naah britney your just a plain ole fuck-n-animal, no type just an animal. brit de animal
i can see hyena’s sniffing ass, does she go around sniffing ass?
have i every told you this webpage thing of your is strangely odd - you have taken your boring and uneventful life and somehow made it entertaining, as a matter of fact i get my one minute fix of oddity here everyday and i dont know why?, (mostly as a spectator-but not today), this page its a beautiful thing! kinda like Seinfeld-Bravo!
hmm…I don’t know you, but I’ve read your blog since long before it was sparkwood, and I think you’re a red panda, because you are cute as hell, and definitely endangered…you don’t see many of you nowadays. I guess I’d be a snake because I’m naturally deceptive, but also generally misunderstood. I’m also supple…I love that word. Don’t you?
I am the Origami Frilled Lizard. Only because i think they are rad. And because I look stupid when I run.
Hey, aren’t frilled lizards those things that, albeit a tad epileptic, capable of running on water? They ARE rad.
I would have to go with duck-billed platypus, only because they have always been my favorite mammal.
“it has feet like a duck, but it’s furry”
Never mind. Apparently I had the *frilled* variety confused with the better known *basilisk* lizard. Silly me.
I can see the My Little Pony thing.
For me? hmmm… I’d be a cat, cause I’m all stealthy and quiet.. or maybe a cat-human, like a human with a cat head, you know like the Egyptians had, back when they were controlled by aliens with the technology to create such monstrosities.
Speaking of the 80’s… isn’t “it has feet like a duck, but it’s furry” from a Time Life Zoobooks commercial?
the real question is, what symbol is going to be on your flank?
it’s weird, but yeah! I see the My Little Pony thing too.
I love it when you make me lol.
I indentify with cephelopods, so I’d be a furry land octopus from the future, six arms swinging in the trees and two holdin on to my Niq, all of them in stripey socks.
Seriously, i think of you more as a raccoon or otter, a curious, ambidextrous creature.
*Screech!* Don’t go dissing the My Little Ponies. You know how I feel about the Ponies. That said, I would probably be a rabbit. Perhaps a lop. With a dewlap.
Time for Teletubbies!
I’d probably get a hamster. Or, wait, I’m too gangly for a hamster.
How about a deer? It’s a little too elegant…can we cross a hamster with a deer? Or would that come out looking like a sheep/goat thing?
Maybe a moose.
How bout one of those Quizno’s sub grunge monsters. Heck, they are a blog waiting to happen on this site!
“We love the suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuubs!”
Does cheese count as an animal? Can I be cheese? Oooh, heres a question: what is your spirit cheese? I am probably swiss because I have a lot of piercings. good times, good times.
Back in college a native American friend told me that my spirit animal was the platypus. She’d been dead-on with all of our other friends, but platypus? I just didn’t get it. So be it, I suppose. :)
well, they picked you out of them all and made you different. lets remember all of the my little ponies had no negative attributes (kids toys wouldn’t)…. and each had a special power, there were so many! so if you think about it, you had magic… and their animals didn’t. it gave you mystery. you were probably the badass pony with the wings. the ish one. dont freak because ur creature wasn’t “real”. thats why they’re called spirit animals… they’re there for you in spirit.
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