There are few things more humiliating than being decked out in all black clothing and an apron (as if you might know how to get around in a restaurant) and tripping up a stair, with drinks in hand, resulting in the most spectacular face plant maybe of all time. I promise. I lived this humiliation just today.

As I said, two beverages, one in each hand when I tripped up the final step of a two-step flight. That last step is much shorter than the first step and makes for an awkward gait if not careful. Well, I tripped. And because I had no way to brace my fall due to both hands being occupied, I hit the floor face-first with my whole body.

And it happened in a fraction of a second. You know how sometimes you fall, but before you hit the ground you know you are falling and you are all, “Oh God, I’m not vertical, OH SHIT!”? Well, there was no time for that. I was standing erect, and the next thing I know I’m lying on the floor in the middle of the dining room covered in diet Coke, surrounded by ice, my arms and legs totally splayed wondering how I got there. I looked up to see every single person in the place staring at me, mouth agape, waiting for me to move or do something. One guy put his forehead in his hand and began to wag his head.

I had to think fast. I don’t know about you, but sometimes after I fall I don’t mind lying there for a second to access the damage and regain my wits. But I knew I couldn’t just lie there, face in carpet, so as fast as I could I jumped up like I’d stolen a base, threw my hands in the air and yelled, “I’m OK!”

Completely red-faced, I picked up the large pieces of broken glass and took them with me toward the kitchen when I run into my manager and the chef laughing. “That was awesome!,” one of them said. I finally started to laugh. I went into the kitchen to find everyone else laughing their asses off. Just about everyone saw my spill, and they were all amused by my post-plunge curtsy. But it wasn’t a curtsy. It was a “TA-DA” with my body. I wish instead of the very stupid, “I’m okay!” I’d have thought to say “Magic!”

My tables were all very concerned about my well-being. I just wanted them to stop talking about it. I felt fine physically, just THOROUGHLY embarrassed. Honestly, I wish I had a videotape. That fall was no doubt one of the most elaborate around. This is verified by a comment made by my favorite co-worker M: “I have been a waitress for nearly 9 years and I have never seen anybody eat it like you just did.”

Thank God, though, that no one clapped.