I try to avoid The Oprah Winfrey Show whenever possible. It used to be because I had this roommate back in the day who adored Oprah. She watched her show every single day and preached the word of Oprah (reiterating whatever she’d seen on that afternoon’s episode) to anyone who would listen. She was a committed Oprah-phile, and trust me, when you live with one it gets annoying fast.

Since that time I have softened my stance on the evils of Oprah and will watch from time to time. And just about every time I do I end up crying. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need my daytime television to make me cry.

But, I have to admit to totally digging the first five minutes of Oprah’s show no matter who the guest or how much stuff she is giving away. If I am at home at around 4 I’ll try to tune in to Channel 4 for the opening segment of her show*. And I will tell you why.

Absolute. Freak show.

First, the uplifting Oprah opening them song comes on, and then 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Oprah comes out. And after she does you can nearly hear the place implode from the mass inhalation of breath by every last woman in the room just before she opens her pink-painted maw to wail and scream like someone just stole her baby. The entire studio is filled with Oprah nuts–you know the breed I’m talking about–and they nearly lose their whole shit when they finally see her in person. Women in the front rows are seen CRYING, shaking their hands in the air and desperately trying to cling to her when she touches their hands as she passes. One woman grabbed her the other day and held and hugged her for an awkward and especially long amount of time.

And it happens every day. Count on it. When people tell you that television sucks, thell them they haven’t seen Oprah’s minions completely piss and poop themselves with wild glee when she walks out on stage for her show every afternoon.

[If I ever direct a horror film** I want to hire these Oprah fiends and have them freak all out for me on film. But then, I suppose, that means I would have to hire Oprah. Oprah is so very not in our budget.]

*Oh, who am I kidding? I watch Dr. Phil whenever I can. Her show comes on after that.
**Not bloody likely.