To be perfectly honest, I feel like I am boring the shit out of you people.
When I open up this weblog I am often surprised out how long it has been since I last posted. And what unimaginative, uninspired pieces of turds those posts are. I’ve lost my camera so there are no new pictures to share. Work is not at all fulfilling, but is entirely easy and fun and sometimes I can’t believe my good fortune that most people are really nice and generous. The summer months have been really slow, but even still I make good money for the amount of time I am actually there. When the Vandy kids and their professors and maids and shit are back in session I may actually be scheduled full-time.
And so, since the people I wait on now are totally civilized for the most part and don’t bother me too much and are loose with their excessive dough I have very little to complain about in that arena. No hilarious tales of homophobic hillbillies and their penchant for mass quantities of sweet tea. No juicy gossip to share since I now work with a bunch of mid-20s aged girls who do not sleep with each other and get wasted every night. Okay, they get wasted, but they choose scotch over Jagerbombs. Everyone is kind to each other where I work, save for the occasional grumpy comment about someone slacking. There is remarkably little cattiness and rivalry; instead we all share clothes and color each others’ hair and help pay for a certain waitress’ very large vet bill after her puppy accidentally ate rat poison. It’s all so NICE. AND TOTALLY BORING.
I’m completely, 100,000% in love with my boyfriend whom I actually feel blessed to have every day. And, I hate the word “blessed.” Finally after mindlessly drifting from wrong guy to wronger guy, this perfect specimen of a human being fell into my lap out of nowhere. I’ve never felt more safe. Or calm. Or totally adored and respected by anyone. There are snags and fights and tears, but our most noble effort is our drive to understand each other. Every mean word or silent treatment is resolved at break-neck speed, because we both desperately want to make this work. And last. It’s been hard, but it’s also been really easy. I wonder if you know what I mean.
Anyway, all of that: BORING. I don’t feel compelled to blog what, to me, is the world’s greatest romance, because it’s sort of private. And I don’t want to be Sappy, Rubbing-It-In-Girl. Ya know, “nyah-nyah, look at me, how BLISSFUL I am.”
Socially, I feel really isolated. I am still allowing my fear of people (I get really wigged out at parties, social gatherings and at bars. Unless I’m with people I am very close with.) to stand in the way of creating real friendships. Besides my sister, I have just one or two close friends, those of whom I have withdrawn from. I’m scared of getting close to people–I’ve untapped a serious trust issue within me–but I’m finding I desperately long for those substantial connections I’m lacking. Despite what my gut keeps telling me. This admission is a sort of apology to the people who’ve written or called whom I’ve completely ignored. It’s not that I don’t like you; I’m just scared of you.
Anyway, I wanted you to know that I know that my blog has been sucking lately. I promise to try to go out and do things and be around people, so that I can actually have experiences instead of imagining them from my couch.
16 comments ↓
My wife and I have been taking introductory Zen classes at a local Zen center. It’s minus all the religion BS that I’m sure would cause me to dislike it. The classes are showing us what zazen is all about (”sitting,” as opposed to “meditating”), how to break down our various intellectual “voices” to be addressed one on one (i.e. the “controller,” the “seeker,” the “big mind” or “no mind,” etc.), and most of all, how to LET GO.
It’s amazing how much letting go can free a person. One of the main goals on the way to achieving “buddha” - (s)he who sees things as they really are - is to let go of projections that we put on people. If you were in my class, odds are good you’d be told by my Roshi that you’re not really afraid of other people, you’re afraid of the preconceptions you project on those people. For instance, you may have a preconceived idea that they’re all negatively judging you or are irked by your boring blog entries (not true, BTW, they’re still great) and even though it’s probably 100% off base you’ll allow yourself to fear them for those preconceptions. Letting go and trying to see and accept people as they are - not as you want them to be or as you imagine they currently are - is the only way to get past that.
I recall you mentioned quite some time ago on David Lynch’s web site that you were curious about transcendental meditation. I don’t know that it’s the same thing, but who knows. Zen stuff is thousands of dollars cheaper. Maybe you have a local Zen center that you could chat with. When you’re bored, that is.
(I have a long way to go before I fully “get” this Zen stuff, but what I’ve learned so far has been making sense. It’s something to think about if nothing else…)
I think we’re all a little afraid of people — I know for myself, it’s 100% true that if I think someone is negatively judging me — I’ll not only instantly hate that person, but I’ll also bottle myself up, and be afraid of that person, and just bottle myself up completely, turn to quiet.
I know that I also have a fear of people — and I think that this post just helped me to realize that. I’m not a loser, I can get girlfriends — but when I’m quiet, new people don’t talk to me — only my friends do.
Anyways, it’s ironic you should write this post today — just yesterday I linked to your blog because I thought that your posts were great — I
ve only linked to three other blogs — and that’s out of all of those other ‘famous’ blogs, too.
Hello sweetheart, it is your one friend/sister whom you have not alienated, that is probably on b/c I don’t or won’t allow you to and b/c I understand completely what you are saying.
Like thinking about going back to college makes me so nervous, but is only because I am afraid the “new people” will judge me. I just have to keep reminding myself to remember that they a. probably feel the same way; or that b. fuck them who cares what they think, i’m the shit dog!
I love you Brittney, you are not boring, you are the most interesting person I know, and that includes your blog baby girlfriend.
Love, your sister
eh Girl, be proud of your happiness and blog it away, if you feel like it, or something. well that’s at least how i feel.
Perhaps your subconscious fear of interacting with others stems from the fact that…
…
…. wait, did you just imply that the girls at Outback slept with each other?
0_0
Oh, wow.
There is always Lebowski.
No, not the girls specifically. But the boys with the girls. Only sometimes did the girls do it with the girls.
Mental Note: Get a job at Outback.
Wow! We are so much alike and going through the same situation! But keep it coming!!! I enjoy your writing and even though I used to write a long long time ago I get inspired when I read your stories. Just keep it coming!
uninspired pieces of turds
I think “pieces of turd” sounds much better. Like “pieces of eight”. It’s also suggestive of the idea that there is in fact only one “master turd” and all turds are but a piece of this great One Turd.
Turd is such a great word. I’m pleased to see it making a comeback.
Inspiration is like great sex. When it comes, it comes hard and…wow this doesn’t sound right…Geez am i so perverted that i write in double entendre even when i don’t intend to? See, now you’ve made me wanna go back and rethink my life. Huh. Well anyways, about your blog, i think its great and i’m always telling my peeps to check it out. As for your fear of people, ignore it. Be trusting to a fault. Stay naive and smile a lot. It makes life so much easier, and it disarms people like you wouldn’t believe. If you for some reason think you can’t be naive, then you’re doing something wrong because no matter how much we all think we know, we all don’t know a damn thing about anything. :)
Oh yeah and please expound on the whole Outback/Lesbian connection. I have a penchant for experimental 20ish females. I’m um, writing my thesis on the subject, yeah.
It’s cool. We love you the way you are. You’re a great writer and we love reading the little tidbits of your life that you offer up to us. Thanks again ;)
If you ever feel like hooking up with the wrong guy again I have Thursdays off
Interesting that you feel like you are boring us, Brit. I have not even been able to do an entry in my blog for the past 1.5 months, because my tower died, so I needed a whole new computer just to get hooked up to the net. But when I have been tending to my blog, I notice my entries are only about a third as long as yours. I think you’re a lot less inhibited than me. You do a really, really nice job of turning the mundane aspects of your life into an interesting entry. Me, I have trouble disclosing everything, I think for the same reason. That it would be construed as boring.
But you know what? I reckon the best blogs out there are blogs by folks that just don’t care. “This is my life. Take it or leave it.”
I’ll take yours. You’re quite a thinker.
I hate to say it but yes you are boring me to death but I do not mind it at all - life is like a letter from the easter bunny
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