This happened a few weeks ago, but I kinda can’t get over it. So maybe it is a story worth telling.

We hired a new pantry cook where I work who on his first day of training informed his trainer that he was hungry and would need to eat before his shift. She hesitantly agreed, but told him that employees usually eat before the come to work. His asked for the “Eggplant Parmesian” thing, which they made him, at which time he went and grabbed a table and had his meal. I think everyone expected that he would eat quickly in the kitchen and get right back to work.

Whatever. They let him have his parmesian.

Once he was finished dining L., his trainer, read off the first item on their to-do list. Hummus. Our new pantry cook’s response was, “Neat, I’ve never worked with ethnic food before.” I don’t know about you, but a simple batch of hummus doesn’t quite call for the umbrella term of “ethnic food.” Fact is, we are an American bistro, so aside from slight ethnic influences the food is straight up American.

Forget the quip about ethnic food. Check this noise on out. We got a little slammed that night, so for a time the new pantry cook was sort of in the way. The chef suggested he step out back and look over the menu while they pulled themselves out of the weeds. New pantry cook guy then walked to the dessert cooler, took out a piece of peach cheesecake and walked out the back door with it.

L. looked at the chef and said, “Uh, new guy just jacked some cheesecake. He just went outside with it.” The chef asked if she was shitting him then marched out back. New pantry cook guy was sitting on the stairs with an empty cardboard box in front of him. The chef walked over and picked up the box to find a half-eaten piece of cheesecake underneath it. No fork.

The chef just said, “Go home.” Then turned around and went inside to catch up on all that ethnic food in the kitchen.

I never saw pantry cook guy clock out and go home. I would like to have asked him what sort of asshole blatantly steals food on his first day on the job. And if he has a tapeworm.

This morning I got up at 6:45 a.m. and drove 30 miles to Murfreesboro to get my hair did. I hadn’t had a haircut since Monday, June 16, 2003. It looked like this one year and two months ago:

(Click on any photo for the full-sized version.)

In the time since then my hair suffered some serious neglect. It got down to my lower back. The roots were 6″ long. Witness:

(Extra Special Bonus Points if you can tell me who is on my shirt.)*

The reason I let my hair get all hippie-ish is for one reason only. Too poor. Or rather, too picky. I guess both, really. Once I let Elizabeth from Tangerine cut and color my hair last year I was hooked. No one before her knew how to cut layers into curly hair that didn’t end up looking like shelving. She gave my hair highlights that were natural looking and deep and rich and almost perfect, actually. I wasn’t going to risk going to anyone else, even if that salon costs as much as rent.

Which is why I waited so long. Last time I went it cost me $150.

As you can tell in the picture above my hair got pretty gross. And heavy. I told Elizabeth to take it to just below my shoulders and to keep the magic layers she’s so good at. As far as the color went, she had free reign.

After a few minutes in the mixing room she came out with three different colors and began rapidly foiling my hair. She had to go back for more color twice. Which means it comes out of my pocket. Big, thick heavy hair requires more dye.

“You are going to see your hair turn dark purple, then almost black. But it won’t be that dark in the end, don’t worry. Well, almost that dark…” It was with that statement that I knew my hair would turn out very different than I expected. I could tell she was putting in red, which I like, it was the purple I was concerned about.

After my head was loaded with foil I received what the aesthetician called a hand “facial.” A blonde girl with big boobs and a soothing voice told me about the sea salts and cinnamon she was using to exfoliate my hands and she rubbed them. Then she wrapped my hands in hot towels and rubbed them some more. Then she rinsed my now baby ass-soft hands with a large silver pitcher of water and into a basin. She followed that by massaging sweet citrus lotion onto my newly sloughed mitts. By the end of my hand facial all worries about my hair faded.

Soon there was the cutting. I watched long, frayed strands of hair pile up around Elizabeth’s ankles as my new colors dried. By the time she was finished snipping I was thrilled with the results. Dark, dark brown underneath with coppery red and warm blonde highlights at the crown.

I think the new colors better compliment my complexion and eye color.

And since it is very dark underneath, all the highlights disappear when I pull it back. It looks almost black for when I’m feeling good and gothy.

I’m telling you, Elizabeth is brilliant. So brilliant, in fact, that she convinced me to buy three overpriced Aveda products before I left.

Here is where I drop the big bomb and express my guilt at such frivolous spending by revealing how much all this brilliance cost: $235. Including tip. And all-natural shampoo, conditioner and “Brilliant” balm.

So yeah, I got my hair did. And my webcam hooked back up again. Hence the new pictures. The live streaming webcam will be back up in a week or so.

*Extra Special bonus Points have no redeeming value.