I was awakened at 7 this morning by a flash of lightning so bright I thought someone was taking a picture using a flash. I went right back to sleep though and had one of the scariest dreams I’ve ever had.
I keep having these nightmares. I keep having the same fucking nightmare over and over again. It isn’t every night. At least, I don’t remember it every night. But once every couple of weeks I have a nightmare that my boyfriend is leaving. Or cheating. Or ending up in the bed with his ex-girlfriend.
[ASIDE TO THE CLASS: I’m a little bit crazy.]
Last night’s dream was one of the worst. Boyfriend and I lived in this big house and for some reason it was filled with people. It was filled up with people from our past. An older neighbor I once had was there, and my childhood preacher and most of our exes. Which was the source of my anxiety in this dream. I went into this jealous psycho rage the likes of which haven’t been seen since the boiling of the bunny. I wanted one of his ex-girlfriends out of the house immediately but I couldn’t find Boyfriend to tell him. Every time I would find him he would disappear before I could tell him I was LOSING MY FUCKING MIND, then I would look for him again, half the time being told he was with her, the other half the time finding him WITH HER.
Then they’d be gone.
When I was finally able to keep him in front of me for more than a few seconds he wouldn’t let me speak. He told me he could no longer live this way. With my insanity. He’d run into my first boyfriend I’d ever had, and he told Boyfriend how I scared him away 12 years ago with that same crazy jealousy. Boyfriend now saw that he had to break-up with me. For my own good.
And then he was gone.
Have you ever screamed in a dream? You know the kind where it happens in your head, but not in real life, so it sort of gets stuck halfway in between? Well, that is what happened. Except lots and lots of screaming.
I searched the house for him everywhere. For hours. For hours I ran through the house looking for him, to tell him that I loved him one last time, but he was nowhere. But still I searched.
Night fell. I couldn’t find him because he was sleeping. I looked in the bedrooms one by one when I saw the familiar slump of his sleeping shoulders beneath layers of quilts. And then she stepped out of the far side of the bed to use the restroom. She never looked at me. And he never woke up.
Then I did.
I woke up suddenly, breathing shallowly and quickly wondering WHAT THE FUCK just happened. I got up to pee. As I sat there the pressure of all those unscreamed screams weighed on my throat and I lost it. I cried and cried and screamed and cried. Boyfriend had left for work long ago–he wasn’t there to assure me it was okay. I’ve rarely felt as alone as I did this morning.
So I called him. And screamed and cried some more. He assured me that he would never leave just because I am a little bit crazy. And that truth be told, I’m probably a lot crazy. But that no amount of crazy would scare him away.
I feel cracked out now. You know how after a long night of Class A partying it feels like your brain turned into applesauce in the morning? That is how I feel right now.
Man. I’ve got to find a way to quit with these nightmares.
15 comments ↓
Brittney!!!!!! I have these same dreams once a week. I had one last night, as a matter of fact and woke up and told my boyfriend that I had a terrible, horrible dream and I didn’t wanna tell him what it was about b/c I have such psycho dreams all the time, but I told him and he hugged me. He says it is because he is so perfect in real life that only in my dreams is he imperfect. :) So, just know, I feel your pain. In your dream you feel that gut wrenching pain, like someone has just ripped your fucking heart out and is waving it around and around for all to mock it! It hurts and it still hurts when you wake up and if you start thinking about it during the day, it still hurts. THEY SUCK, yes, but they are only dreams. I love you!
maybe do like research on one of those dream sites that translate what your dreams mean…..worth a shot i guess…i have had weird ones but not like that. i have a reocurring dream of a crazy ex that stalked me after we broke up coming to kill me. i have had this dream for 3 years….almost the same one every time.
Wow. Well, from a guy’s perspective, your dreams are a lil scary. Don’t believe that crap about that dreams are just dreams. They are more real than the real world, you just have to understand what you are doing. Not to say you bf is gonna leave or is cheating, but it may be saying that its time you came to grips with your weaknesses and your strengths. You can do one of two things with the experiences in your life. Turn then into weaknesses or strengths. The good thing is that most, though not all, of these experience allocations are retroactive, meaning you can, as you grow wiser, go back and turn former weaknesses, into new strengths from past experiences. You are a beautiful, brilliant, witty person, and shouldn’t waste another second in fear that you will be abandoned or rejected by the people who love you. In fact, you should be thinking that you bf better stay on top of his game or you’ll head off to greener pasteurs cuz girl…trust me…you are a catch! ^^
In fact, you are a catch! I know all to well what you are experiencing (kind of can’t help it). What I was saying was that I know that the wake can make you feel angry and hurt and should be handled as JUST DREAMS not to be taken out on your significant other because of insecurities and demons from your past. VCB would never hurt you, that is why I like him so much!
Ay! It’s’a me! The freakin’ Pope’a! Maybe if you’a stopped’a living in’a freakin’ sin’a, like’a a harlot do, you’d'a be less’a guilty in the head’a!
Ay! I’m'a the Pope’a! Buy a goldfish with a picture of St. Dominic on the side’a! Cheap’a!
Brittney
I know I’ve never posted to you before but I’ve read this for a few months now, and just have to say I had a dream similar to yours. In this dream my husband pulled up in a red car in our driveway with a blonde woman (I even saw who it was). He came into the house, said bluntly I don’t love you anymore and I’m going with her. I thought I would die. 2 weeks later the dream came true other than the fact of him being in her car (since I probably would have kicked her ass all over the yard). I’m not saying that this is going to happen to you, I’m just saying…..kinda look at your dreams and don’t take them lightly. From what I’ve read your bf is crazy about you as it should be. Just figured I would share a little of my own experience with you.
I don’t have the dreams like that, but early in the morning I’ve been known to dream that I woke up and my boyfriend was gone, only to wake up and have him still be there.
As I have no real insight into your life aside from what I read here, I’m going to have to provide an inaccurate interpretation. The most obvious things are the fears of abandonment and commitment. It seems you know you have a good thing, so you’re dreaming excuses for him to walk out because you feel undeserving of a good thing. Perhaps the easiest way for him to do this is to be unfaithful, because that makes reconciliation all the more difficult, and distances him from you even more. He confirms your thoughts about what you perceive to be craziness, and when you search all over the house, you grant further assent to what you feel deep down to be inexcusable in a lover.
And stop drinking tea before bed! Even white tea gives me nightmares, and that’s supposed to have virtually no caffeine. Try meditation to get you out of your applesauce funk; it’s ridiculous, but if you just concentrate on your breathing with your eyes closed and listen to sounds outside, it will at least alleviate the mush feeling.
Heavy depressing shit! I feel guilty for reading your blog sometimes. You really open yourself up for the world to see. You don’t need a dream book to interpret this dream, it’s pretty blatant anxiety about being rejected. Only time can calm such anxieties.
Hey didn’t I used to have an asterisk? What’s up with that?
You can go on having your nightmares until you give me my asterisk back, young lady.
Ah. Much better.
Sleep well.
Hey, Kaf. Maybe you could update my link on your asterisked site, huh?
Dearie me! I will put my best mammal on it.
I read a book called Dream interpretation by Frued (sp).
It doesn’t tell me anything about your dream, but my wife has always been crazy jealous. She used to constantly complain about me talking to women much less having sex. She still tells her friends how bad I am I think just to turn them off of me. She is totally helpless against my charms and must figure other women would be also. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I often wonder what she sees in me. Anyway lately I told her that if she really felt like I was slighting her by gettin some behind her back, she needed to go out and screw someone to make it even. This really disipated her rage. I always thought she would want to be possessed, you know, like romanticly. so she was going to possess me back as hard as she could. Once I told her she could do what she wanted well that whole power struggle ended. If she or me ever did anything, we promised each other to never discuss it , because that is where the pain happens. Frankly the guilt makes it not worth it for me. So I can’t do it. Even if it was free and clear. Plus she would notice a skip in our sex schedule, and start to worry.
In the long run, the average person has sex hundreds or thousands of times five to ten minutes at a time, so it totals a couple of hours a year. what is a few stray experiences between commited couples. It’s what happens when the lights are on that makes up most of our lives.
Leaving you is the theme of the entire dream. First, your former boyfriend’s there to tell your current boyfriend how much you scared him away. And then there’s the boyfriend who doesn’t wake up. There must be something to this dream, a foretelling perhaps? Not necessarily about your relationship though. But if I were you, I’d prepare, ‘coz you know, break-ups can mess with your head really hard.
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