I just ran one mile and a half. A MILE AND A HALF. Not without stopping some, mind you, but my short, stumpy legs carried my fleshy, pear-shaped body over 7,900 feet.

I know this might not be a big deal to most of you out there, who probably run marathons or some shit, but I feel like the biggest winner in the world right now.

I would just like to say: go me.