Just before I left work today I ducked into the women’s room to pee. I was washing my hands when I looked up to see a thick streak of Clinique’s Coffee lipstick smeared up the left side of my face. It wasn’t a small smudge or a slight bleeding of color, but a giant mark that looked like a gash. I had waited on four tables since I last reapplied that lipstick.
I had served drinks and plated desserts and opened a bottle of wine and talked to my co-workers for a half hour and every single person neglected to tell me I had lipstick up to my ear. I wiped it as best I could and immediately found another server to ask her why she’s hadn’t said anything. She claimed to not have seen it.
I left work shortly thereafter and went straight to the bank. While waiting for the teller to deposit my cash I listened to a woman training another woman on the computer. In the midst of talking about interest rates and IRAs she farted really loudly and for a long time. The male teller who was counting my money smiled broadly, but never skipped a beat. My eyes hit the floor but not before getting a look at the offending lady whose face burned hot enough to melt snow. Her trainee sat startled and silent beside her.
My shoe made a wet vibrating noise on the freshly waxed floors just before I hit the door, and I had to laugh once outside at the ridiculousness of it all. Only an hour before I was mortified I’d walked around telling people about the delicious Arctic char with a red smear of makeup on my face, but OMG, the trainer lady at the bank TOTALLY FARTED.
6 comments ↓
Sorry, but I have to ask…
How does one smear lipstick up the side of her face without noticing? When some of the airborne cat hair that floats around my home settles on my cheek I feel it (and it drives me nuts until I get it off). I can’t imagine an entire smudge of lipstick getting by under the radar.
Just wondering.
And isn’t it strange how people don’t like acknowledging totally noticable things like farts? It’s not like nobody hears them (or suffers from the fallout), and everyone in the vicinity knows everyone knows about them, so WTF? Joking about it would diffuse the situation ( “God DAMN, cork it lady! I want my child to keep growing!” Something like that.), but instead folks pretend it never happened which only makes it worse.
Oh my, that is totally hilarious!!!
A lot of people fart during yoga class, and I can’t do anything else but laugh laudly. The only thing is that they get my concentration all fucked up, plus I feel really embarrassed for the person.
LOL
My younger brother told me he was passed out in the middle of an economics lecture–one of those pathetically big undergraduate classes with about 150 students. He woke up because everyone in the class was laughing uproariously. He quickly learned that in his sleep he had ripped one of those whoopee cushion, thunder-clap loud ones. He went back to sleep after the laughing died down.
Lots of women I know walk around purposefully wearing toxic levels of make-up or that popular look wherein you don’t know if they need more pants or less ass, so don’t expect the boys to point out a little excess lipstick.
I used to teach SAT-prep classes. One day, while in front of my class, I reached up to write something on the board and out of nowhere let one rip. I just paused, but no one said anything. So I kept going.
Weeks later the class ended, and the students filled out reviews; in the question “What was your favorite part of this class?” one student put “When our teacher passed gas.”
Dan, I’ve read this comment twice now and I laughed out loud both times.
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