Entries from December 2004 ↓

• Rush
• Barenaked Ladies
• Mr. Bungle
• Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
• Yes
• Korn (or any variation thereof)
• Matchbox 20
• Counting Crows (excluding their first album)
• Collective Soul
• Bright Eyes
• Liz Phair (the difference is I always have)
• Guns N Roses (see above)
• Red Hot Chili Peppers
• Green Day

When I was in high school I owned this ugly pair of green sunglasses that I wore everyday.  I loved them so much I’d keep them on a few extra minutes after I entered a building.  Naturally, I lost them, because if I’m good at anything it’s losing shit. 

I turned my house upside down looking for those sunglasses.  I was disturbed by their disappearance, I couldn’t imagine where they had gone.  I looked everywhere, and after days of searching I was desperate if only to prove to myself I wasn’t insane.

In the mornings before school I would sit cross-legged in the doorway of my closet and put on makeup.  One morning after giving up on ever finding the glasses, I rummaged through my Caboodle makeup organizer and pulled out the green sunglasses.  I tucked them into a zippered part of my backpack immediately.

The next morning, again sitting in front of the full-length mirror on my closet door, undoubtedly applying way too much eyeliner I pulled out a pair of green framed sunglasses identical to the ones I’d lost then found.  I was stunned.  Floored, actually, but went immediately to my backpack.  I found the green sunglasses I’d found the day before exactly where I left them.  I held in my hands two pair of identical sunglasses.

I told everyone who listen at school that day, and showed them both pairs.  I was a big, fat liar as a kid (some would call me a storyteller) so I don’t think anybody believed me.  Hell, I hardly believed me.

I carried around both pair for about a year and a half.  I lost one pair and then the other, never sure which was which.

And while I was a big, fat liar as a teenager I’m an adult now–an adult with a journalism degree–I can’t just be making shit up.  If I have ever told the truth on this blog it is TODAY.  That was the single most Lynchian event of my entire life.  Those who know me know I wouldn’t say that if it was based on a lie.

Dear Middle Aged Ladies Who Dine Out,

Bitches, you are trying my patience.  Daily.  So, I thought maybe I should fill ya’ll in on some things that will make your dining experience easier for you and easier for me.  It’s win-win, so listen up.

If you are dining with six of your closest girlfriends and you would like to each pay seperately, it wouldn’t hurt to let your server know that.  It’s only polite.  Don’t wait until the check comes, when you are full of desert and ready to go, to tell your server you need seperate checks.  If you tell your server up front then she can take the proper means necessary to divide the checks in the computer for ease of payment later.  Because when you wait until meal’s end, your server is standing at a calculator trying to remember who ordered what appetizer and calculating sales tax for each individual ticket.  Had you only said so in advance, your check would be ready when you are finished.

Also, seriously ladies, don’t you have anything smaller than a twenty?  I mean, for real.  Other people seem to make an effort, but you see that your bill is $6.02 (because you had water and a soup and salad) and slap down a twenty.  If you would quit talking about the one friend who wasn’t able to make it to dinner and pay attention, you would notice servers don’t walk around with money tills.  If all 7 of you have a twenty, I’m going to be in the office for ten minutes getting change from my manager.  You always seem to do this when you are late for "Miss Saigon."

Oh, and ladies, those handbags with your initial on them: So. Over.

BFF,
Brittney

Goodliest Cereals In All The Land

• Cinnamon Life
• Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats
• Cap’n Crunch, Peanut Butter
• Cap’n Crunch, Berries
• Cocoa Pebbles
• Oh’s!
• Lucky Charms
• Wheaties
• Apple Jacks
• Count Chocula
• Trix
• Honeycomb

Cereals I Would Politely Decline [Then I Would Cross You Off My People Who Like Cool Cereal List]

• Anything with Raisins
• Golden Grahams
• French Toast Crunch
• Fiber One
• Cinnamon Toast Crunch
• Special K Red Berries (Those berries taste like wet styrofoam.)
• Fruit Harvest Apple Cinnamon
• Oreo O’s
• Grape Nuts (Mmmm, milk over gravel.)

Just before I left work today I ducked into the women’s room to pee.  I was washing my hands when I looked up to see a thick streak of Clinique’s Coffee lipstick smeared up the left side of my face.  It wasn’t a small smudge or a slight bleeding of color, but a giant mark that looked like a gash.  I had waited on four tables since I last reapplied that lipstick. 

I had served drinks and plated desserts and opened a bottle of wine and talked to my co-workers for a half hour and every single person neglected to tell me I had lipstick up to my ear.  I wiped it as best I could and immediately found another server to ask her why she’s hadn’t said anything.  She claimed to not have seen it. 

I left work shortly thereafter and went straight to the bank.  While waiting for the teller to deposit my cash I listened to a woman training another woman on the computer.  In the midst of talking about interest rates and IRAs she farted really loudly and for a long time.  The male teller who was counting my money smiled broadly, but never skipped a beat.  My eyes hit the floor but not before getting a look at the offending lady whose face burned hot enough to melt snow.  Her trainee sat startled and silent beside her.

My shoe made a wet vibrating noise on the freshly waxed floors just before I hit the door, and I had to laugh once outside at the ridiculousness of it all.  Only an hour before I was mortified I’d walked around telling people about the delicious Arctic char with a red smear of makeup on my face, but OMG, the trainer lady at the bank TOTALLY FARTED. 

A couple of you mentioned to me that my Amazon wishlist is incredibly out of date and it was.  So, I made a new one.  Man, was it was fun to go shopping, just throwing whatever I wanted into my cart, but not really.  There are so many more books and films and stuffs I’d love to have, but I had to stop myself.  Things got out of hand.

Anyway, I’ve always found it interesting to see what people put on their lists.  Your mileage may vary.