- Chris Connelly is interviewing Annette Bening and Warren Beatty. She looks so high. Chris says, "Good luck! There’s plenty of room on your mantle! Uh, although there’s already some stuff up there!" Nice save, Chris Connelly formerly of MTV, who must be like 75 now.
- Okay, what is with Mike Meyer’s face?! It looks like he put on my clarifying clear face mask and forgot to peel it off. For real, he looks waxy and not at all right.
- Chris Rock made me laugh a lot, but I expected more audience reactions. These twats’ heads are way too large, there needs to be more of the haha’s and less of the OH FUCK ME, WE ARE SO EXCLUSIVE AND BRILLIANT.
- Chris Rock need not be bagging on Pootie-Tang. Pootie-Tang is the pootie-tangiest, you know what I’m sayin’?
- "She’s got butts for cheeks like baby asses." -the boyfriend waxes eloquent on Renee Zellwegger
- I’m not so sure about this giving and accepting awards from in the aisle. If I had to accept my hard-earned Oscar in the aisleway instead of onstage I’d feel so gypped. You cannot call down "the stick man" like Julia Roberts did from the aisleway. Nor can you look out over the room in your moment of glory, unless you won a "major" category. That crap is weak.
- I could only ever dream of being as graceful and classy as Cate Blanchett.
- The Counting Crows need to die before I never, ever listen to August and Everything After ever again. And I do NOT want to have to do that. The fake dreads also need to die. With them on top of his head like sprouts he looks like a bloated, inebriated Cabbage Patch Kid.
- Sideways wins best adapted screenplay. Makes me wonder if this is its consolation prize. [I was right, sadly.]
- I can’t look at Al Pacino anymore without looking at his tell-tale hairline. His face lift makes him look perpetually stunned.
- "She looks like Billy Corgan in a wig" -the boyfriend, this time about Kirsten Dunst
- What, is Whitney too cracked out to perform again? Why does Beyonce get to go three times?! I seriously can’t listen to her live without cocking my head to one side in a vain attempt to draw her into pitch. She’s pretty, but so are lots of singers, so let’s share the motherfucking wealth already.
- Sean Penn is such a fucking tool. Such an egotistical, humorless tower of toolage. Too bad he’s really good at the acting stuff, ’cause he’s just going to keep showing up at these things.
- Funniest thing read online about Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz’s appearance together: "oh my god … i wanna get Selma and Penelope together for a taco eating contest"
- Holy shit, it’s ten thirty. There was no dancing. I call this broadcast a winner.
Thoughts on the Oscars Typed Up While Watching Them
February 28th, 2005 — Uncategorized