I love coffee. I love it strong and black. I enjoy thick espressos and deep, red wines. I was once a smoker, smoked a pack a day for three years. It’s no wonder my pearly whites aren’t so pearly or white anymore. Apparently I’m still in a target demographic that hasn’t settled on a toothpaste yet because everytime I run out I excitedly scour the aisle for a new miracle paste that will turn my gummy smile into a toothy, gleaming grin. This time I opted for Arm & Hammer’s Enamel Care with Liquid Calcium because I was wooed by it’s promise to "restore enamel luster". My enamel hasn’t felt lustrous in years so I scooped it up.

I threw away my other toothpaste early because I was pretty disappointed with it. I carefully slid the new tube from its crisp cardboard and placed it on the sink. It looked nice there. Upon first use I read the directions and did exactly as it said. I’m very much a direction follower. When it says "repeat if necessary" on the shampoo bottle well, I do.

When I opened the tube I noticed it had one of those fancy dual-chambered spouts. I had had a run-in with this kind of tube before, and while they look really nice with the cute little divider, they are not so good on execution. Still, I was confident. I positioned my brush and, bottom to top like a good girl, I squeezed. And only the blue side shot out.

Folks, I didn’t panic. It was too early to panic. It was the very first squeeze from a fresh dual-chambered tube of toothpaste. Please, have some faith. So I massaged the white paste in the tube in a manner conducive to both sides coming out equally and gave another squeeze. Same shit. The blue gel shot out like a snot rocket, while the thicker, white paste sat lazy in the tube. The key to restoring enamel luster, I imagine, is the dual action of both the paste and the gel whitening and repairing your teeth in tandem.

You’d think after a few days or more the toothpaste would come into its own and begin performing as intended. You would be wrong. Even still, after two weeks of using the boyfriend’s stuff, the crappy Arm & Hammer Enamel Care Natural Whitening toothpaste sits mocking me on the sink.

But today is the day of reckoning. I whipped out my camera so the world could see the shitty design that is the tube of Arm & Hammer Enamel Care Natural Whitening toothpaste. Click the photo below to watch a short video of the horror that is this unusable, disaster of a toothpaste.

Just thought everyone should know how much Arm & Hammer Enamel Care toothpaste sucks butt.