Yesterday the boyfriend and I decided on a hike. We considered the gym, but we wanted some moderate, outdoor exercise so we headed to the park. We tucked bottled water and a Luna bar and trail mix into his backpack and set out for the woods.

We arrived at the park without incident, and pulled into a parking spot in a nearly empty lot. Almost immediately another car pulled in right beside us, despite there being 25 others empty all around. Before I could get out of the driver’s side the woman driving the vehicle parked right beside us had gotten out with her golden retriever and come around to greet me at my door.

"Oh! She sees a person! She can smell a person a hundred yards away." The woman was talking in a baby voice, very high-pitched. I struggled to get out of my car as her dog was sniffing my sneakers.

She could probably tell I wasn’t going to get all excited about her dog being in my personal space, so she went around to the boyfriend. He called the dog to him and got down on one knee and up in the dog’s face, letting this stranger’s pet lick him and climb all over. I joined the boyfriend and the woman’s conversation about how he hopes to convince me to get a dog that big once we move.

"Oh, goldens are great. They are so friendly. They just have such a good nature. I mean, I think you’d have to get a golden that was kind of off to get one that isn’t friendly."

About that time Friendly the Golden jumped up on me some more, then jumped up on the boyfriend a little bit before JUMPING ON MY CAR. That dog jumped up and started flailing around on the back of my car with his TOO LONG NAILS and scratched the paint on my car.

"Get down! That is not what she wants, you up there scratching her car." Brilliant observation, Einstein, but it seems the damage is done. "He’s just a puppy," she said, "I’ve got to train him not to do that." Despite my having sunglasses on I think she could tell I was a little pissed off. It wasn’t until she left that my anger started to swell.

Who THE FUCK did she think she was? All I was trying to do was to go to the woods to get AWAY from people, not be accosted by them and their poorly trained dogs. The woman’s lack of boundaries and control over her dog caused damage to my property. I didn’t ask to play with her dog. I didn’t want to be jumped on. And I certainly didn’t want my car getting dog scratches all over it.

I was fucking furious by this point. And I wasn’t just mad at her. I was mad at every delusional dog owner (and there are many!) who thinks you are going to love their mangy mutt as much as they do. Well, guess what crazy dog lovers: we don’t. Don’t come up to me with your dog assuming I want to talk about it. You are not allowed to let your dog jump on my clothes and slobber on me and FUCK UP MY CAR. I’m sick of having my space invaded and my crotch sniffed and my fucking car scratched.

A lot of dogs and their owners are great. My friend Shelly has two greyhounds that kick ass. Those are the most well behaved, laid back dogs I’ve ever seen. They rule. They have never once jumped on me or slobbered anywhere. They mostly just lie down.

I suppose I just wish that dog owners were more respectful of people who don’t fall in love with every dog they meet at first sight. And be willingly responsible for the damage their pet causes.

Is that so much to ask?
Oh, and one more thing. Don’t call them "goldens." Golden retriever doesn’t take that much more effort, and you sound less like a douche.