Some Things About Then

Best tip I ever got: $50 dollars on a $50 tab. A biker dude and his wife. They just ordered steaks and beers and were no trouble at all. Sat at a tiny bar table and barely said a word.

Rudest thing anyone ever said: This was not to me, but directed at me. I was 18, it was my first serving job. I was super busy, when a party of six men arrived. One of them ordered hot water to drink. I found it an odd request, but filled up a glass tumbler full of hot water for him anyway. When I sat it before him he slid the hot glass of water to the edge of the table and said, "I wanted it in a mug." The edge of the table had a lip, and so the hot water, fresh from the coffee machine, covered my hand and arm. I was wearing a white dress shirt that clung to my forearms, burning me. I sat the drink tray down on their table and left to the kitchen to get help and scream and cry. When my manager went out to see what was going on the guy called me a bitch! After that my boss kicked him out. That was about the only time that asshole ever stood up for me.

Biggest scam artist: This guy. For cheesy.

Drunkest person I ever served: My manager had to cut her shitty ass off. She must have been on something else, like Valium or Xanax, because this woman was tore the fuck down. She was slurring her speech and trying to fist fight my manager. Her arms looked much like spaghetti. She eventually blacked out and was carried home.

Most violent thing I witnessed: This would be a tie. The first instance was the night of Valentine’s Day at Outback Steakhouse in Murfreesboro. All the tables around the bar were open seating, meaning if you get there first you get the booth. So, the wait time overall was about 2 1/2 hours (I know, wtf?) so people were really stalking all the tables. I’m not sure exactly what transpired before the 30-something dude in a ball cap punched that 60-something year old man in the face, but it obviously made ball cap dude kinda mad. The wife of the guy who was lying in the floor, straight cold cocked, starts screaming at the top of her lungs. She was shreiking, "You killed my husband!" So, the guy who punched the old man ran out the front door and over to the parking lot of the Wal-Mart next door, but one of our kitchen guys chased him down and tackled him. The police were called, and he was arrested.

The second most violent thing I didn’t actually witness, but I definitely experienced it. I was working at the Cooker on West End (RIP), 18 and stupid. I was standing in the kitchen flirting with the salad guy when I heard what sounded like a tray. A tray that had hit the floor hard. I made my way into the dining room to see customers crouched under tables and people running out the door. A party of 16 people were debating the Bible when a man pulled out a gun and fired it at the ceiling. That was nuts. The cops had to come and file a report. It fucked up our whole night and no one even paid for that big party’s meal, because they all ran out of the restaurant.

Most scandalous thing I witnessed: A manager getting head from a waitress. We were on our summer trip to the lake, where the boss rented house boats and we’d all go to the lake and drink all day. Apparently those two were drunk enough to think they couldn’t be seen but from inside the boat, high above, we could see everything. And he still fucking denies it.

Most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me: Falling down that one time. (There were 20 or so other times, but that was the best.)

The time I felt most helpless: When I spilled an entire tray of wine on that guy.

Number of times I cried at work when I waited tables: My best guess is approximately 75-80.

The time I often think about and still laugh. Hard.: Brenda. One of the most genuinely kind and funny people I know.

Number of server dreams I’ve had since leaving the restaurant industry: Too fucking many.