The other day I used the term “sexual preference.” Rightly, I was admonished for it. (”What is this? The 50’s? Jesus.”) It wasn’t until that note from an annoyed reader that I even considered what that term implies. Here’s how I responded:
Ya know, you’re right. I used the term without thinking, really, at the tail end of a pretty long day. This is the first time it has ever been brought to my attention that it is an offensive term. It shouldn’t have needed to have been brought to my attention–I should be more observant–but it makes perfect sense. I do not subscribe to the notion that people choose to be gay, so why would I use a term that would imply that is the case? My apologies for using language in a careless way.
Anyway, I consider myself pretty observant of what is and what is not potentially offensive language. Yesterday taught me that just because someone uses a term that is considered offensive by a good many, doesn’t *necessarily* mean that they mean any harm. It might just mean that they use words without thinking first.
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What’s amazing is that when someone points out that something you said might be offensive, you were able to listen, consider their point of view, and resolve to alter your behavior.
From the way people act in this here red state, I could have *sworn* the law was that you had to close your mind, refuse to listen, and launch into a tirade about how it’s your right to be a jackass and you refuse to be oppressed by the PC language police.
Well, it certainly seems more than forgiveable, and for the record, i never thought you deserved the heat you got over that silly Headline back in Nashville.
Your heart is in the right place, and well, what Jon said.
Thank you, gentlemen.
So what would have been the correct term? “Sexual orientation?”
“Sexual preference” doesn’t offend me at all, but maybe I’m missing some kind of historical meaning of this term. I feel like I have a sexual preference - I prefer men - but maybe it doesn’t offend me because I am also open to women, and hence it really feels like more of a preference than a permanent condition in my case.
What does offend me a little is this part:
“I do not subscribe to the notion that people choose to be gay”
And what if they did choose it? Would that be so bad? I feel that when people make a case for it not being a choice, they somehow imply that being gay is a bad/undesirable thing. And that rubs me the wrong way. It sounds to me a little like “Yeah, she’s Russian. But it’s not her fault!”
Well, that certainly isn’t what I meant either. Writing “I do not subscribe to the notion that people choose to be gay” gave me pause. I think because “being gay” isn’t a universal experience. Some people likely know they like the same sex for as long as they can remember, while other choose at a later date. I know this.
What I don’t know is how to talk about it all. Apparently.
And that makes a lot of sense. I don’t either. There is so much charge around the whole thing! It’s so easy to offend somebody!
One of my best friends of the last five years is gay, and I certainly stepped in it a few times during our blossoming friendship.
I grew up in a household that, while not at all hateful, had mixed feelings about homosexuality. I can imagine you did too, or that you were even exposed to a much more negative view of homosexuality.
Now that I am an adult and have my own views, I am doing the best I can to be open and accepting and supportive and to not offend anybody. I got the open/accepting/supportive part down, but I don’t totally know yet how to not offend anybody.
I hope I don’t sound too prejudiced here, but I can imagine that it’s harder for you, Brittney, having grown up in Tennessee, to talk about these things very publicly than for somebody who grew up in the Bay Area, for instance. So I just want to commend you for being so brave. You have a lot of responsibility, and I think you have a great attitude. Be compassionate with yourself.
Wow, thanks, Vera. I am just trying to be thoughtful and compassionate–no need for lauding. But yeah, you are correct. I do come from a place less tolerant, and so I have no doubt some of that (language in particular) rubbed off on me.
Frankly, it still surprises me to see men kissing on the street. Not because I find it gross. Not by a long shot. (Hot!) But I’m so unused to this image that my head inevitably flips around before I can control it.
Brittney, don’t feel too terribly bad. Homosexuality as genetic destiny is more of a political position than a fact. The science is still out. The reason “being gay is not a choice” is a mantra is that it’s politically convenient.
During the 1980s that became the strategy, because being intolerant of people for something they were born to be could be likened to racism. It worked well, and made homophobia or even just criticism of gays much less permissible.
At some point I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see the politics swing the other way. Some gays are going to get tired of homosexuality being treated like a genetic defect and will argue that it’s a choice.
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