Entries Tagged 'Lists' ↓

• She’s incredibly affectionate. She likes to lie in our laps. Or stand on us while we lie in the floor. She is as sweet as she wants to be. (I wrote this last night on the couch and had to use just one hand because if I stopped petting her she grumbled and pushed her head into me.
• Girlfriend’s vagina is an outtie.
• She is very much like a cat. I was on the couch and my sister was sitting in the floor when Tootie jumped up over the back of the couch. That is like four and half feet. She didn’t even get a starting run, because we heard nothing until we heard the digging of her claws into the back of the sofa. Amy was facing her and said she had a look of sheer terror on her face.
• She likes to dig. They told us that when we adopted her. "Likes to dig. Hates cows." (It was written in three different places–"Doesn’t do well with livestock.") They didn’t lie about the the digging part. In her sleep she, out of nowhere, just starting digging as hard and as fast as she could on the back cushion. There are now two big gashes in the fabric. Good thing I hate this couch and am dumping it as soon as possible. (We’ll be sure to let you know what happens if we ever happen across a field of cattle.
• The bitch snores. The shitty couch is her domain. We come in from outside and she straight hits the sofa.
• She’s a snuggler. She loves to spoon. Or she’ll shove her head between my leg and the arm of the couch and just snooze. She loves to sleep spread eagle. No wonder she got knocked up, what with the outtie vagina to boot.
• The boyfriend said she saw a rabbit on her last pee trip outside last night, and she took off like rocket. We weren’t sure if she would do anything but lie around, but she darted after the rabbit who cleverly found its way through a small opening in the fence. Tootie, not so clever, followed suit and got her head stuck in the fence.
• Have I mentioned she sleeps all the time?
• She likes the hedgehog we bought her, but not the squeaky bit inside.
• She pees and poops outside no problem. She doesn’t jump up when you ask her not to. She rarely barks. Her only problem is wanting on our bed. The boyfriend says this isn’t a good practice baby and that we have to get another dog.
• We put her outside when we are eating and she’s totally cool with it. She can’t stand to not be touched when she’s inside, but I left her alone today for the first time and she was fine.
• She has a fluffy, curly tail and short hair. She stands like a pointer with her front paw lifted. We’re thinking pointer and golden retriever mix.
• She’s not so fond of the bath. She dealt with it but you could see the disdain in her eyes.

• No puppy yet. This weekend I think.
• Mates of State is my new favorite band. I sing, "AND WHERE’S MY ARM?," all day in my head.
• My mother bought the boyfriend and I a 5-piece dining set and a new coffee table. How do you say thank you for gifts that big? The table is nice, cherry finish and black padded chairs. We hope the dark woooden table will be a nice contrast to our medium brown hardwood floors. (If not, we’ll get a large rug.) Best of all the table has a pistol drawer at the head of it. It’ll be delivered in a week or two.
• I’m really excited about "The Biggest Loser" coming back on. But not as much as "Lost." Everything else? Eh, not so much.
• The boyfriend has mowed the grass twice since we moved in a week ago.
• Autumn is just around the corner, and I feel like I live in a new city. I got my GED in VJ training (Good Enough Diploma). A new house. With a puppy on the way. And two new tables and padded chairs to match my padded ass. Life is good.
• I can’t wait to take pictures of my new neighborhood. The bars on the windows will make for a nice foreground/background photo. Heh.

• "How ’bout them apples?"
• "You can’t beat that with a stick."
• "Out of my kitchen."
• "You’re getting too big for your breeches."
• "Dry it up."
• "You must be smokin’ wacky weed."
• "If you are not going to do something right, don’t do it at all."
• "Good night, don’t let the bed bugs bite."
• "Because I said so."
• "I got this on sale."
• "Feet on the floor."
• "None of your business."
• "Get out of my light."
• "I don’t care what all the other kids get to do."
• "Ask your Daddy."
• "Be careful."

• I have never successfully completed a crossword puzzle. I’m too impatient. And I never have a pencil.
• When I went in to have my tonsils removed I was four or so. My mom tells me that I was prepped and taken into the operating room, so she went to wait. Several minutes later the doctor came out to meet my mother with me draped across his arms. My lifeless-looking body was limp , my head hanging backward, sagging. Much like a groom carries a bride over the threshold, but with much less effort. When my mother saw us she thought I died. Turns out I just had a really low white blood cell count and they had to delay the surgery.
• My sister breaks my heart. I love her very much.
• I saw Wild at Heart for the first time. I’m going to write more about that very soon. Maybe after seeing it again. I can say this, though: Too many titties.
• The boyfriend always stays up later than me even though he gets up earlier than me. But rather than go to bed I just fall asleep on the couch reading or watching television. Dressed, usually, in whatever I had on when I hit the sofa. He wakes me up, and I follow him bleary eyed to bed when he turns in. I collapse on the bed, jeans on, bra, all of it. The other day I slept in socks, blue jeans, a tank top, a bra, and underwear and on top of that a hoody zipped all the way up. On occasion I won’t wake up so he leaves me on the couch. I usually wake up around 3 am feeling confused and abadoned, and I always ask why he didn’t wake me, even though the answer is always "you wouldn’t move."
• When I worked at Outback Steakhouse the guys would make top ten lists of Prettiest Waitresses or Best Legs and write the names in dry erase marker on the board that was visible to every employee. It was tolerated, even encouraged, by management. Sometimes it would make girls cry.
• Sex education in my rural public middle school was taught by a woman attended my Southern Baptist church. A church that would sneak a scolding about no pants in the sanctuary into the sermon if a woman dared show up in slacks.  It was during sixth grade science that we had this so-called sex ed class, but actual sex was never once mentioned during the course. We spent a single day, if I recall correctly, talking about zygotes and fertilization and sperm. No mention of body parts was ever made. Not a single penis or stray fallopian tube anywhere. I honestly think the first time I ever heard this word was when I was sixteen! You won’t be surprised to learn the next year in 7th grade one of my classmates became pregnant. At thirteen. And my senior year I knew two girls who only thought they had two openings in their genitals. Imagine my astonishment that the boyfriend’s class included video and large photos of actual doin’ it and close ups of hoo-hoos. Blows my mind.
• Risotto might be the yummiest thing in all the world.
• I’ll be getting glasses and moving in the next two months. ‘Spensive.
• A guy with a smoking fetish was the major reason I started the habit. Then he got mad at me when I became addicted. (I quit over four years ago.)

• My desk is directly behind one of the anchors. My head and body are fully covered by the anchors head since I’m kinda far back, but right above my head are televisions, one of which is playing the news that is being taped right in front of me. Which is weird. So, last week I sat way up in my chair to see if I could see me in the television, but as soon as the top of my head popped into view I freaked out and sat back down. No one watching would have noticed, but it gave me a little thrill.
• Driving home from work the other day I sang a song that I was making up as I went all the way home. My rhymes were sick, yo. I was cracking myself up the entire drive.
• When people left things at [the restaurant where I worked], like directions or a pamphlet or a photograph, I would keep it. Don’t know why, it’s kind of twisted, really. I just like found stuff.
• I had one too many tequilas last night and my brain’s a bit fuzzy. And I’m out of coffee. And the boyfriend works at a coffee roaster. Figure that one out.

Nearly two weeks ago Dan challenged me to write this entry. I am just now getting around to it. I think he counts half off if it’s late. Here is his for comparison, but the topic is A List of 5 Things that Society At-large Likes, Yet I Don’t Get:

1. Bananas - I don’t like banana anything. I hate banana milkshakes and banana-flavored candy and banana bread and banana pudding. All gross. Bananas are a food I have hated since the beginning of time. That, and raisins. (Though I always wanted to like raisins as a kid because the Sunmaid ones came in those cute, red boxes. I would try them every couple of years or so when I found the itty red box particularly cute, but would promptly spit them out every time.) I do like the idea of a fruit having such a handy-dandy, easy-to-remove wrapper. That’s pretty neat. But otherwise no way, no banana please, uh uh.

2. "Family Guy" - I am about to offend everybody I know, but that show is dumb. I just can’t get into it. TRUST ME, I’VE TRIED. People my age have found religion in the form of a stuck up, talking baby, and they are ready to tesify and witness and spread the word of "Family Guy". So, I’ve watched my fair share of the show just by living, and ya’ll it’s just not funny. It hurts me even.

3. Dogs - Dear Dogs, Get your sloppy, wet jowels off my new pants, thankyouverymuch. When you sniff my crotch it embarrasses me, and really and truly that is a major violation of my space. At that point you are invading my aura or something like it. I know that you want to jump up on me and give me disgusting mouth love, but you are heavy and your nails are too long and it hurts. Please stop it. And stop chasing me when I ride my bike, I get scared.

4. Cocaine - Sucks. You are an asshole when you are on it, and if you go "Oh, that’s not me" then are then you are a bigger asshole than the rest. I don’t want to listen to you blather on about fucking nothing while your bottom jaw is quivering and you’re chain smoking all up in my face. P.S. Your breath stinks and oh yeah, you’re broke.

5. Nerd Movies - Specifically Star Wars (all bazillion of them) and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I didn’t see a single Star Wars movie until I was 18 years old, so I didn’t have that childhood nostalgia. I just kept falling asleep. The characters are flat as hell and the dialogue is stilted and I can’t feel a damn thing for any one on screen. Except apathy. Sure it’s pretty and boom-boom, fighty-fighty or whatever. It’s just not my thing. And I’m a big nerd, so isn’t that just a kick in the pants?

I think now I’m supposed to challenge three people to do it. I pick Kafkaesque, Number One Dana and Sarah B.

Drinks I have loved in the order in which I loved them:

• age 18-vodka and orange juice, tall
• age 19-sea breeze
• age 19 1/2-cape cod, extra lime
• age 20-vodka tonics, extra lime
• age 21-vodka gimlets, straight up
• age 21 1/4-Petron tequila, chilled and straight up
• age 21 3/4-riesling
• age 23-merlot
• age 24-cabernet
• age 25-sake
• age 26-petit sirah
• age 27-sparkling whites and mimosas and cotes du rhones

Not much to report at length so I’m going with the bulleted list of random shit that pops into my head for the next, oh say, 10 30 minutes or so.

• I’m working twelve days in a row. That’s almost half a month. I’m currently on Day 7. I’m getting sorta winded. Today I got to work at 10 a.m. and by thirty minutes aftern noon I was pissed that I was getting another table. That’s a sign of wear and tear, right there. I spent a fourth of what I made on the fish special, because dammit, I’m worth it. I had chili-dusted grilled salmon with an asiago cheese and green chile potato cake and grilled vegetables with a melon and papaya salsa made with cilantro, red onions and honey. Not bad for seven bucks.
• Still haven’t heard from these guys. Nine days until all winnners are notified. It’s been difficult to stay confident.
• The art and live music show at the Family Wash was fantastic. MissE’s stuff was really impressive. I especially liked her batiks. The Suns of Norway were really good, too. I’d never heard them before, but the artist and I have similar taste in music, so I wasn’t surprised. Pretty, melodic, low-key. Annette from Venus Hum sang on one song and, man. I’ve seen her perform a bunch and am no longer starstruck when I see her around, but I forget how powerful her voice is. It’s beautiful. I got drunk on sparkling wine in can. They’re called Sophia Minis and I’m charmed silly by them. It tastes kinda metallic, but SO CUTE IT COMES WITH A STRAW. In a little pink can! Then I took a photo of the Nashville skyline on the bridge coming back from East Nashville. This is the Music City through a canned champagne haze. [More photos from the art/music show, taken by the boyfriend.]
• The cat I got when I was 13 or 14 died. She was hit by a car about a week ago. After a day she died. It was one of the saddest, most horrible two days of my life. It was harder for my sister, who kept Abby as an adult.
• You should hear the morbid shit this girl C. and I talk about at work. She had this table that had a four or five month old baby at it. The baby’s mother was completely and loudly engrossed with her child. And thought everyone else should be, too. She actually said to one of her tablemates, "Look at my sweet baby, isn’t she pretty?" The baby started to grunt and whine and her mother said, "Just listen to that voice." Oh yes, your pink-covered, gargling infant is teeth-crushingly cute and obviously ready for American Idol. C. was all, "I’m not going to even acknowledge that they have a baby. Or, better yet I’ll say, ‘We have a closet you can keep that in. Your baby, I mean.’ Or, ‘May I offer your baby a plastic bag?’" C. always takes it too far, which is why I adore her. That and she sometimes brings her flask to work. But seriously, that kid is going to have major mommy issues. My bet is she grows up to be a stripper.
• Another example of why I like C.: Madonna’s song "Holiday" was on while we were prepping stuff for Sunday brunch when C. started singing over the lyrics, "May I have some Hollandaise? Hollandaise to celebrate. Hollandaise! It would be so nice!"
• I read about this DVD called The Trainer’s Edge: Killer Butt in a fitness magazine at the gym. They claimed it was hands down the best workout video to reshape the ass, hips and thighs. My problem area needs all the reshaping it can get so I bought a used copy and ten days later my DVD arrived. I popped it in one afternoon before work and OHMYGOD. That was three days ago and my walk is still all fucked up. The workout consists of rep after rep of tried and true ass-whittling methods: squats, squats, lunges and more squats. The DVD is surprisingly varied, though, which tricked me into completing most of the exercises. When I went to sleep that night I would cry out when I’d turn over. I dreaded waking up because I could feel my muscles repairing themselves and tightening. My legs muscles felt like huge, hot, hard ropes. I’m going to attempt to do it again in two or three days. This is a video I’m going to have to work my way up to. But, holy christ, if I do this thing three times a week I might actually put on a pair of shorts or a skirt come spring time. Highly recommended if you have a high threshold for pain and have a really fat ass. Otherwise it’s just not worth it.
• My boss at [the place where I work] has asked me to write the copy for an ad he’ll be running in a local socialite magazine. He wants assertive and funny. And for me to be creative. And for whatever reason I’m scared to death. He’s liked what I’ve shown him but thinks I’m holding back and being too tame. Must work on that tonight. It’s just work, work, work, work, work, work, work.
• I’m making things for you. Well, some of you. But I’m going slowly. Forgive my snail’s pace.
• I want to pimp Alison’s online jewlery storre, i like beads. For no reason other than that I like her stuff and wish I could afford to buy some right now. But can’t, and thought you might.
• My car insurance rates just went down!

Europe’s "Carrie"
Garth Brooks’ "The River"
Def Leppard’s "Pour Some Sugar on Me"
Jon Bon Jovi’s Skid Row’s "18 and Life"
The Queens of Comedy (often)
WWE wrestling
John Michael Montgomery’s "I Swear"
"Garfield"
"Who’s the Boss?"
"The Maury Povich Show"
Extreme’s "More than Words"

Things I learned today:

• What anisette is.
• That I have a retroverted cervix.*
• That I am "a stupid bitch! LOL!"
• Ben Folds and other local artists are having a Concert for Asia on Valentine’s Day.
• I still really hate sweet potatoes.
• That the girl waiting with me at the doctor likes a boy who "works at Wendy’s and wears Abercrombie and American Eagle, because his Dad can afford it, he’s a lawyer."
• That Bart Durham likes very young girls who take ten whole minutes to order. (I gave him the check because HE…DEMANDS IT!**)

*My gynocologist asked me how I was doing and I told her I was really nervous–I hate pap smears. She assured me today’s would be the easiest one I ever had. Then she got down there and was all, "Uh, forget what I said. There is a reason you hate these. Your cervix likes to hide. It’s tilted toward your back."

**Only funny if you live in or around Nashville and own a television.